I’m super sorry for telling you guys we could look forward to more rain in the month of June. Obviously, there’s no relief from this tyrannical, hateful heat any time soon. Yesterday, I’m pretty sure I heard the Ozone gasping its final breath. If you’re feeling guilty for fantasizing about those frigid winter days in the midst of summer, know you’re not alone. We are all victims to these 90-plus degree temperatures, and our voices deserve to be heard.
Your car is capable of branding you upon entry
Touching bare skin to your steering wheel, leather seats, or clutch sounds like a cast iron skillet piled high with fajita meat has just fallen off of your table. The smell of your sizzling flesh, unfortunately, is not as appetizing.
Your ass is swamping so bad you regularly check to see if you’ve peed yourself
It doesn’t matter how many times you go to the bathroom to check, you’re still going to worry that your bladder has voided itself into your drawers. If you have boobs, this same fear will haunt you, except worse because you will have no explanation as to why your breasts are urinating.
You’re considering how fired you would be if you wore just three paper towels to work
There is no fabric on Earth that has the lung capacity to “breathe” in this heat. Sure, your workplace is kept at a hypothermic 60 degrees, but one step out of the building and your business-casual wear looks like you put it on midway through the rinse cycle.
Sweat drips onto your phone as though you are using to it reroute an asteroid headed for Earth, but really you just got a text
Facial sweat is no longer relegated to upper lips and hairlines. No, sweat now streams from your face with such voracity that you have to make sure too much of it doesn’t get on your electronics and cause water damage.
The things you have done in front of your fan are unspeakable.
You get home and immediately remove all of your clothes, which takes three to four whiny, primal grunts to complete. You search for the coolest part of your house with the least visibility to the outside world. You proceed to systematically chill the assorted crevices and folds of your body until you’re ready to behave like a socialized human again.
When you are invited to do something outside you hysterically scream while thrashing on the floor.
Baseball games, drive-in movies, walking outside to get your mail: all classic summertime activities that now sound like an invitation to hell on Earth. You might start off thinking it will be fine – the sun is going to go down soon anyway – but at the 45 second mark you’ll realize that you have made one of the worst mistakes of your life. Also, you will have to dedicate 85% of your conversations to reiterating how mother-loving, duck-sucking, gosh-darning hot it is.
Ice cream is renamed “milk puddles”
What was once a cold, delicious way to end a lovely meal is now a dairy soup coating your hands, knees, and shoes. This is what it has come to: beloved snowcones, sundaes, and slushies that liquefy instantly in this heat. This is when you start to take it personally. Sure, the heat advisory can take your closed-toe shoes and your windowless driving. But your ice cream? Low blow, global warming. Low blow.
If what you need cannot be purchased in a drive-thru lane, it’s not worth it
The only way to maintain your sanity is to go directly from air conditioning to air conditioning. Oh, you want that one Bánh mì from that one food truck? Sorry, you’re going to have to settle for an Arby’s roast beef and cheddar for the next two months.
You called animal control on the person running with their dog through your neighborhood because that is just not fair
You think because a dog sweats out of its tongue it can handle this heat? Dogs have feelings, too! They can’t even effectively wear sunglasses! You better have a kiddie pool full of ice water waiting for that pooch when you get home.
Swimming pool access is being traded on the black market
If you or someone you know has a pool that is open for swimming, you have a moral obligation to share. If you don’t have one to share, take a long, hard look at what you do have. Everyone has a price.
