Welcome to the first installment of our Worst Oklahoma Politicians power rankings, a new monthly feature in which we hope to shed light on our state’s darkest overlords. We’ll release these rankings on the Tuesday after the first Monday of the month — Election Day, if every month were November — and we welcome your opinions in the comments below, because we believe in democracy, dammit.
Usually, when good things happen, it brings out the worst in our lawmakers. June, in particular, gifted us with a copious amount of terrible, thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of marriage equality and all of the recent hullabaloo about the now-illegal Ten Commandments scrawl at the state capitol. Whether or not you support these rulings, there’s simply no denying their role in making crazy people test the far-reaching limits to their own craziness, which culminated in this star-studded list of deplorable elected officials.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
5. Mary Fallin (R-OK)
Sure to be a mainstay in these rankings, Governor Mary Fallin is as reliable as any when it comes to saying and doing really, really bad things. This time, it was her insistence on defying the court order to remove the Ten Commandments from the capitol in the form of legal appeals and legislative maneuvering — an inevitably long, expensive, and hapless political battle. Fallin pled her adorably futile case in a statement to News 9:
“The Ten Commandments monument was built to recognize and honor the historical significance of the Commandments in our state’s and nation’s systems of laws. The monument was built and maintained with private dollars. It is virtually identical to a monument on the grounds of the Texas State Capitol which the United States Supreme Court ruled to be permissible. It is a privately funded tribute to historical events, not a taxpayer funded endorsement of any religion, as some have alleged.”
At the very least, we’ll have to wait until February — when the state legislature is back in session (what the hell do these people do all year?) — before any action is taken. But worry not, non-Christian Oklahomans. We still have Baphomet if, for whatever reason, the court’s ruling is overturned.
4. Mark McBride (R-Moore)
Hey, look! It’s an Oklahoma official going on a batshit abuse-of-power tirade! This time, it’s State Rep. Mark McBride.
After some dude — to whom McBride apparently has ties — apparently said some mean things about him, McBride went the hell off in the form of a profanity-laced voicemail, obtained by Fox 25. Here’s a snippet:
“You might oughta go back to Texas, because you screwed with the wrong guy. I’ll have the Bureau of Narcotics after you; I’m going to have everybody up your ass. I have done so much for you. I’ve given you jobs, I’ve given you stuff, I’ve helped you out. We paid you so much money last year. We did everything … and more than we ever told you that we would do. But buddy, you screw with me and I am going to get even, I’m getting even. You ran my company down, my sons down, me down, so now you get ready because you’re going to jail.”
Read the whole transcript; it’s a doozy.
3. James Inhofe (R-OK)
This year alone, U.S. Senator Jim Inhofe (another monthly shoe-in for this list) has already made an ass out of himself by proposing discriminatory legislation and throwing a snowball onto the Senate floor in an attempt to disprove climate change. Who could he possibly go after next? The pope, obviously.
After Pope Francis — a person who is actually capable of logical and independent thought — took a firm stance on climate science and its potentially catastrophic worldwide consequences, Inhofe gave us this gem:
“Everyone is going to ride the pope now. Isn’t that wonderful? The pope ought to stay with his job, and we’ll stay with ours.”
Yeah, Pope! Do your job and stop caring about the fate of humanity. You’re clearly out of your element here.
And just like you knew he would, Inhofe couldn’t resist from saying some dumb shit about gay marriage, like this:
“I’ve been disappointed, and I was not surprised. I thought they would rule the way they did. I know a lot of people, actually a lot of people who are friends of mine in the gay community, who also think it was a bad decision.”
Yeah, I’m sure you have so many gay friends, Jim. And they all happen to be the only gay people in America who actually prefer to be discriminated against.
2. Sally Kern (R-Oklahoma City)
Yet another heavyweight of Oklahoma craziness, State Rep. and “pray the gay away” enthusiast Sally Kern must have really had a bad June. Kern has seemingly made defeating the “homosexual agenda” her top priority in life, while continuously looking for new and creative ways to put her ignorance on display (like when she said homosexuality is more of a threat than terrorism).
So how did she take last months gay marriage ruling? By invoking Martin Luther King Jr. and declaring it the end of America, of course!
“It is a sad day for religious freedom, for state’s rights and the future of America,” Kern said in a statement. “The Supreme Court has defied reason, the Constitution and God by declaring homosexuality to be marriage.”
Really, though. What the hell does “declaring homosexuality to be marriage” even mean?
1. Kevin Calvey (R-Oklahoma City)
Despite the aforementioned soirée of bigotry and closed-mindedness, the cream of the asshole crop last month was State Rep. Kevin Calvey. You may remember Calvey as the guy who threatened to set himself on fire back in April if the U.S. Supreme Court was given a raise — because, you know, they’re not doing enough to make abortion illegal — which is a big reason for his placement in these rankings. But if you think that’s bad, imagine his distaste for judges after the Ten Commandments ruling.
In an effort to impeach the judges who voted in favor of the monument’s removal, Calvey had this to say:
“These Supreme Court justices are nothing more than politicians in black robes, masquerading as objective jurists. This ruling is the Court engaging in judicial bullying of the people of Oklahoma, pure and simple. It is time that the people chose jurists, rather than letting a tiny special interest group of lawyers at the Oklahoma Bar Association dictate who can and can’t be a judge.”
Stammering more insensible partisan rhetoric, he continued:
“It is becoming increasingly clear that the term ‘judicial independence’ has become a liberal code phrase for ‘undemocratic liberal dictatorial powers. It is sad that the once-worthy concept of ‘judicial independence’ has been perverted by those engaging in politics from the bench.”
Hey, if Calvey and his colleagues taught us anything in the last month, it’s that the best way to leave your mark on the history books is to go down in a blaze of defiance, impeachment, and general buffoonery. Congratulations to all. Can’t wait to see what’s in store for July!
