Disclaimer: I’m not exactly a foodie, so take my opinions for what they’re worth (not much). But like most people, I enjoy eating. And I especially enjoy eating food that tastes good. Enough food has entered and exited my body in 29 years to where I can consider my palette a finished product, and I don’t anticipate growing a newfound appreciation for the foods I don’t enjoy (I’m looking at you, olives). I do, however, enjoy certain foods a lot. A nice, zesty hot wing is one of them. Just spare me the bones, please.
Along with the rest of the country, a group of friends and I found ourselves pondering whether to eat the wing of a feathered, mohawked creature yesterday. (It was Super Bowl Sunday, after all. If you’re going to eat a chicken wing you better have damn done it yesterday.) We did, but when determining what type of wings to order, the topic of boneless vs. bone-in never even arose. It was just assumed that we’d have our hot wings with bones in them, because this is America. In fact, we spent more time determining whether to get ranch or bleu cheese dressing (we settled on both) than what type of wing to order.
Rather than initiate a debate on the advantages and disadvantages of each, I opted to keep the conversation about football, capitalism, and Katy Perry. Deep down, though, I found myself pondering such things. Why is it that we, as a society, prefer to gnaw around a bone before ultimately attaining an inconsequential amount of meat? Is the minimal work-to-reward ratio not apparent to anyone but me? Even dipping the damn things is a pain in the ass.
I’m not really bothered that much by how messy they are; sometimes you just need to get down and dirty during a meal. Yet of all the times I’ve indulged in a batch of bone-in wings, I’ve never once come away thinking, “Man, that was totally worth it.” Not to mention, have you ever bitten into a bone-in wing and clamped down on some cartilage? Of course you have, and you know it’s the worst. To be honest, it might be the most unpleasant food-eating experience you can have — right up there with biting a popcorn kernel and finding an amputated finger in your McRib.
I realize I’m probably in the minority here. But seriously, why not go boneless? They’re easier to eat, they taste better, and you don’t need to wipe your hands with a moist towelette before touching anything else in the room. The only legitimate reason I can think of is that a bone-in wing is meat in its natural state. There is no risk of separation involved, and the batter that often coats a boneless wing surely isn’t the healthiest addition. Both are valid arguments. But that doesn’t change the fact that your precious bone-ins were probably pumped to the gullet with growth hormones and antibiotics anyway. All this crap is bad for you, man. The only concerns I have when it comes to wing consumption is A) how it tastes and B) the ease of consumption. And the latter is especially critical when I’m trying to watch a football game.
