Most days I feel pretty stable and secure in my existence. Then again, most days I remember to take my prescribed medication. Today is one of those days when it feels like we all should be lacing up our white Nikes and choosing our favorite flavor of Kool-Aid to sip on.
I know I promised you April would be life-changing. I guess I should have been more specific. Here are 31 reasons why I am sure the world will end in May:
May 1
The name of the holiday people celebrate on this day is May Day. May Day, people! Should I even bother writing anything else? It is also recognized as the day we celebrate the invention of the eight-hour workday. While I am sure that mandatory 24-hour workdays were pure and unyielding hell, I am still not super cool with rejoicing the fact that we all agreed that eight hours of work a day would be so neat.
May 2
According to every billboard, TV commercial, radio advertisement, and marquee outside of sports bars, the greatest fight of all time will happen on this day: Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. Do I know who either of these men are? No. Will I watch this fight? No. But once it ends, the conqueror will become the ruler of the universe and all us will have to bow down at his feet and pay $99.99 to watch him do anything.
May 3
Bring out your pharmacists, hat-makers, Uruguayans and dying, for today is the day we celebrate St. James, the saint who just went for whatever sounded cool at the time.
May 4
May the 4th be with you, because this could possibly be your last day on a life-accommodating planet. And if I trust anyone about when this ship called Gaia could be going down, it is the nerds.
May 5
Cinco de Mayo is also National Teacher Appreciation Day, because we want to see how close we can get to planetary destruction one margarita-drunk educator at a time.
May 6
The first day of the 40th Annual Conference on Aging. Maybe go and check it out, see what it would have been like to grow old.
May 7
Celebrate the wonderfully joyous Defender of the Fatherland Day, a national holiday in Kazakhstan. What a great day to, I don’t know, wage a vicious nuclear war on all of your enemies who have defiled the honor of your ancestors.
May 8
This day marks the beginning of a week historically known for numerous and violent tornadoes. I say we all ride it out on our front porches with a 30 rack and a chill dog that has always been there for you.
May 9
Big Okie Doom and special guest Killer Gandhi play tonight at the Diamond Ballroom. You are starting to get the idea, right?
May 10
Stop by Walgreens and pick up some movie theater candy and the last card on the aisle and then wish your ma a happy Mother’s Day. Thank her for bringing you into this world and remind her that all of her threats to “take you out of this world” were null, because the world is ending this month.
May 11
Welcome to Bike to Work Week, a week dedicated to endangering human lives all across our bike-unfriendly city.
May 12
There are some pretty good deals on flights to London on this date. You should probably go see it before it turns into 28 Days Later for real over there.
May 13
Jay-Z plays a show for Tidal subscribers today. He promises to perform tracks you haven’t heard him do in years. In other news, Spotify still exists. It’s free.
May 14
Ascension is the day when Jesus went to Heaven and everyone was like, “Um, where do you think you are going?” And he was like, “Chill. Holy Ghost is on his way.” And then everyone rolled their eyes collectively and said, “Great.” And now here we are, awaiting our demise and chilling with the Holy Ghost.
May 15
Blue Dome Arts Festival and MayFest both start today in downtown Tulsa. I will be there selling my art, which is just this article printed out on decorative paper I bought at Office Depot.
May 16
Lailat al Miraj is the day when Muhammad ascended to Heaven on an animal that was smaller than a mule and bigger than a donkey and said peace out to humanity and everyone just slapped their foreheads and said, “This is, like, the worst week ever.”
May 17
The Hanson brothers are bringing you their second annual craft beer and musical festival known as Hop Jam. Last year they ran out of beer before I got there, and the person I was dating at the time had a panic attack and left me in crowd singing Hanson songs by myself, resulting in me being just as sober and alone as I was at my first Hanson concert at the Mabee Center in 1990-something.
May 18
Tonight and tonight only, New Kids on the Block, Nelly, and TLC will grace the Chesapeake Energy Arena with their ageless presence. It is sure to be an intergenerational melting pot that quickly turns into a fetid stew of lost ambition. Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Seriously.
May 19
America’s sweetheart Weird Al Yankovic is doing whatever he does during a live show at the Brady Theater in Tulsa tonight. With mere weeks left on this globe, this could a fun way of saying, “I give up.”
May 20
David Letterman’s last Late Show ever will air tonight. As a person who has made a habit of watching the final episodes of several shows I have never even watched before — just to feel something, anything — I am sure to tune in.
May 21
Bring the kids to an evening of family fun when the Nitro Circus comes to the BOK Center. Prepare them for the apocalypse by exposing them to true idiocy at its best.
May 22
Rocklahoma kicks off tonight in Pryor with headliners such as Linkin Park, Slayer, and Tesla. No one there will be in anyway surprised that the world is ending. They have the merch to prove it.
May 23
I wonder if there is a gun show today. Oh yeah, there is.
May 24
You will spend most of today wondering if all of this was worth it.
May 25
Memorial Day. Lots of people have died in senseless wars; soon you will, too. Enjoy your day at the lake.
May 26
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we all can find a way to get along and take care of our planet.
May 27
Today you sit in standstill traffic for 30 minutes and realize there is no hope while you rest your head on your steering wheel and listen to soft-rock radio.
May 28
By this date, there will still not be any significant relief or response to the increasingly tense race/class issues plaguing America. Fuck it, the world.
May 29
If we do make it to June, let’s all go camping or something.
May 30
Have a Walk to Remember-style wedding today, because you deserve it.
May 31
Today is World No Tobacco Day, so have one more sexy drag on that cigarette while you watch everything you have ever loved become space trash.
