When Julius Caesar came to power, he instituted the Julian calendar. The month of Quintilis was renamed after the great Roman general because it was his birth month, and from that point forward, July became 31 days of people doing whatever the fuck they wanted because they fucking said so.
Which is why I was born one week before my due date on July 28th. Just as I was not about to be told when to be born, I’m now about to tell you how to get free this July. You better take a big ass vacation, light a shit ton of fireworks, and stand up in the sunroof of a Honda Fit with both middle fingers blaring because it’s hot as hell and all of the fucks have already been given.
July 1
Your first step towards getting free is to look back upon the last 30 days of June and tell them that you are not listening to their rules. We were forced to live most of that month without marriage equality and rainbow-tinted profile pics, and that is a way of life I am turning my back on forever.
July 2
At exactly noon on this day, you will have made it through half of 2015. I would tell you to make some sort mid-year resolution, but I will not be a slave to time and neither should you. I resolve to acquire personal growth and achieve goals on my own damn schedule, 2015.
July 3
The privileged of the U.S. will most likely have today off because a national holiday falls on Saturday. If you work at an establishment that you have to fake vomit in front of in order to have a day off, then I suggest you do that. Two parts yellow mustard and one part fruit cocktail yields both the desired color and consistency.
July 4
Happy Independence Day, America! How great is it that we get to celebrate our freedom from tyranny, persecution, and an unjust hierarchical system? Oh, wait, nevermind. Let’s just eat hot dogs and ironically wear red, white, and blue as a way to mask our true feelings but enjoy an atmosphere of celebration!
July 5
On this day, the bikini made its fashion debut and women’s magazines everywhere maliciously rubbed their hands together and rejoiced with maniacal laughter. The “bikini-ready body” is an invention drafted in the minds of misogynist shitheads. As far as I am concerned, if you have a body and it is in a bikini, it is ready. Let freedom ring. Also, let’s all start praying for a U.S. win in the Women’s World Cup tonight so we can all take our shirts off and show the world our sports bras.
July 6
Tulsans may enjoy Jason Isbell at Cain’s tonight while Oklahoma Citians have the pleasure of viewing 311 at the Diamond Ballroom. Make it a great Monday night, or not. The choice is yours.
July 7
That one band you saw on the Colbert Report and your mom now loves, Lake Street Dive, is coming to Cain’s on this night. I will be going to this show (with my mom) purely to hear them play my theme song and go-to karaoke number: Hall and Oates’ “Rich Girl.” You can rely on the old man’s money.
July 8
Woody Guthrie once sang, “nobody living can ever stop me, as I go walking that Freedom Highway,” and that is exactly what you should do as the Woody Guthrie Folk Festival kicks off in Okemah today and continues through the weekend. Just a quick suggestion: Drive rather than walk down the Freedom Highway, otherwise you will be walking for 23 hours and 45 minutes on US-62 east.
July 9
If you are an Oklahoman without a female reproductive system then you probably don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how our legislators are constantly trampling on your freedoms with an evil sparkle in their beady little eyes. One fantastic way to support Oklahoman women and their ever-increasing need for bodily autonomy is the Oklahoma Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice’s Faith and Freedom Event in Tulsa. The event is free and sure to make your little liberal heart feel a little less alone in this red state.
July 10
Happy Friday. I hope your weekend is just like this iconic scene from my favorite movie about American freedom, Wet Hot American Summer.
July 11
Today is World Population Day. This is when we all take some time to consider having less sex that results in a baby, and more sex that results in just everybody getting off and maybe a couple of casual high fives.
July 12
Rumor has it that this week there will be a sale of grotesque proportions on Amazon to celebrate their 20th anniversary. Super pissed you used your free Amazon Prime trial to binge watch Transparent now, aren’t you? Yeah, I’m not either; I’ll choose Jeffrey Tambor in the role of a lifetime over a discounted TV any day.
July 13
Mondays can be hard. One thing I like to do to make the beginning of the week go a little smoother is not see Rob Thomas at the Brady Theater in Tulsa.
July 14
France celebrates Bastille Day on July 14th to commemorate the fall of the monarchy and the unification of France. Celebrate your political freedoms today by hogging all of the free internet at your local library while researching which city councilor your should contact about your neighbor’s unsightly lawn decor.
July 15
You’ve made it halfway through your month of being free. Congratulate yourself on 15 days of doing what you want, when you want to do it, and laughing in the face of society’s expectations. Also, now is a good time to consider toning it down a little.
July 16
FREE DAY!
July 17
Break out your emoji keyboards! Today is the day you mass text the calendar symbol to all of your contacts because it reads “July 17th.” It’s gonna be a fun day, guys!
July 18
What goes hand in hand with freedom? Victory. After saying that I’m realizing how gross that is, but whatever. Check out the Victory Dolls Roller Derby in OKC. This is a professional team that does not have time for your jokes and references to Drew Barrymore’s 2009 film Whip it.
July 19
Freedom isn’t free. That is why we need have to have in place that prevent people from hastily purchasing firearms. Of course, if you are at the Gun Show today in OKC you can recognize your right as a citizen to obtain a lethal weapon with absolutely no accountability required!
July 20
The grand jury investigation into the lethal shooting of a Tulsa man by a reserve deputy begins today. Please don’t mess this up, Tulsa; everyone is watching.
July 21
Tonight at the Chesapeake Energy Arena, there is a rare Steely Dan show with limited seating. Let me fill you in now: Steely Dan is not a single person who dresses like a robot. There, I just saved you a lot of disappointment. Also, my birth week starts today. What are you doing about it?
July 22
The Boys of Zummer tour makes it’s way to the BOK Center in Tulsa tonight featuring Fall Out Boy and Wiz Khalifa, with opening act Hoodie Allen. I wish I made all of this up.
July 23
Liberate yourself. Do less. No, do even less.
July 24
The Center of the Universe Festival begins in Tulsa today. The tickets are expensive, the bands are less than exciting, and it will probably be 105 degrees outside. However, the Home and Garden Expo at the fairgrounds has no admittance fee and you will probably get a free yardstick.
July 25
Slide the City is apparently sold out in OKC, but maybe it would be fun to watch other people have fun. Nah, fuck it. It’s National Wine and Cheese Day, as well as National Hot Fudge Sundae Day, so you have plenty of ways to occupy your time.
July 26
Caitlyn Jenner’s new series on E!, I Am Cait, premieres tonight. Just letting you know so you can start hiding people on your newsfeed now instead of waiting for them to say something so nauseatingly ignorant that you actually vomit.
July 27
Personally, I find nothing appealing about a live event that combines both terrible acting and faux wrestling. For those who do, however, Monday Night Raw is at the Chesapeake Energy Arena tonight. If you can’t make it to this show but want a similar experience, just spend some time remembering the first time you had sex.
July 28
At long last the earth’s rotation has landed us here, on the day of my birth. Here is the best way to celebrate me: Read everything I have written here, tell me how much you love all of it, and get the kind of drunk that causes other people to drink. 27 years of being Caitlin Turner hasn’t been easy, but it’s getting better all the time.
July 29
Oh, shit. Are you as hungover as I am today at this all-day conference? Why did I agree to this? I’ll laugh heartily to disguise your secret vomit in the communal bathroom if you do the same for me.
July 30
Not feeling free enough yet? Think about the middle schoolers counting down the hours until their first day of 7th grade. Yeah! Nothing fills you with gratitude faster than realizing you will never be a pre-teen again.
July 31
Just like that, your month of being all of you all of the time has come to an end. Start drafting those apology emails now and go ahead and put your pants back on. But keep your underwear off as a little reminder of your new found freedom.
