1. Don’t bring a gift; bring “it”
Walk into the party like your name is El Niño. Kiss all the moms, aunts, grandmas, sisters, and brothers that will accept your kiss. Dance as soon as the music starts and move quickly through the buffet line. Tell everyone you are sure you have met them before. Tell the bride and bride or groom and groom that this is best wedding ever. No, seriously. I have never tasted chicken and waffle skewers this good.
2. Be a party of one
Every time a plus-1 RSVPs an angel loses its hope of making out with someone in the parking lot. Let some dreams come true. You have the power.
3. Blow the damn bubbles
These people want a magical-as-fuck exit from the most expensive party they will ever throw. They just fed you, entertained you, and made you feel like you might still believe in love (or, at the very least, feel so glad you are not them). You owe them a couple festive waves of that sparkler.
4. Make your own hashtag
No one likes a hashtag when it’s forced upon them, and no one cares that the couple used the “wedding hashtag generator” on Pinterest, so be the person who makes up a new one. A spontaneous hashtag that only comes to you after you witness what might be the worst best man speech ever. #thatonesecret #takeittoourgrave #theuglycry
5. Remember their anniversary for years to come
These people just ripped a tasty piece of their youth fresh from precious lives and tossed it into a sea of hungry, fun-hating sharks. Maybe just text them a nice pic of you guys at the reception to ease that memory down the hatch.
