It is probably one of the only French phrases you know, but chances are you haven’t gotten use to “menage a trois” in conversation as much as you’d like. Luckily, I recently was invited to share a conversation with a couple — a mostly-straight male and bisexual female — who’ve had experience with such an affair. In the interest of privacy and John Mellencamp, I have changed their names to Jack and Diane.
As a non-threesome having person, I had some pretty uninsightful questions for the couple. Fortunately, they responded like intelligent, open-minded adults and I came away with what feels like a loose guideline on how to make these things work. Though I eagerly await comments that take an opposing view, I do want to point out that we are all aware this is just one couple’s experience and you are allowed to find your own way into a bed with two other people — or, possibly, a hot tub with five — and if you have, please contact me so we can chat.
These things don’t just happen every day…
Jack: I think it would be pretty fucking difficult for a threesome to happen organically.
Diane: Especially in Oklahoma, where anything out of the normal is frowned upon. It can be hard to be looking for a person to have a threesome with. I was interested in it before we were together.
Jack: I always wanted to do it. I didn’t ever have “the sex talk,” so the internet was my birds and bees.
Diane: That’s dangerous.
Jack: Yeah, it is. It gave me a very pornographic idea of sex.
Finding the one that will make the three
Diane: We sought someone out that we both were comfortable with because it had to be somebody that was discrete, and that I wasn’t ashamed of sleeping with. It was a very delicate process. While we are a straight-passing couple, I am actually bisexual, so I wasn’t weirded out by having sex with a girl.
Jack: I have never had sex with a man, but if I did it would be with Michael Fassbender. Seriously, I am his.
Diane: I would be open to having sex with anyone that I had a connection with and made me feel good.
Jack: We haven’t had sex with a male partner, so I can’t really say that I had to think about competition and jealousy.
Diane: For me, the jealousy is kind of a big thing. But that’s not a reflection on my partner, more about my insecurities. That is why partner selection was so important. The person we ended up having sex with twice was a person that was really close to us and I had affection for on a platonic level. We all came to an agreement that we all wanted to make each other feel good and that we all love each other.
Jack: We had two experiences with the same partner that were positive, and one with a different partner that was pretty negative.
Drunks, drugs, and deadbeats
Diane: With the positive experiences, nobody was drunk and all of us had discussed it before hand.
Jack: With the negative experience, everyone was very drunk. I think it’s important that everyone is involved in partner selection.
Diane: Everyone has to have their own individual relationship with everyone else. The third person can’t just be someone walking in there to satisfy one couple’s fetish, and the couple can’t just be satisfying that one person’s fetish either.
Jack: The partner we had the negative experience with was just out of a relationship and wanted to explore. She was very sexually inexperienced. Just like traditional sex, the more you get to know someone the more you realize you might not want to sleep with them.
Diane: It felt like we were being used for her own self-harm by having reckless sex. That’s not to say we are reckless people or harmed her in any way, but being intoxicated made it feel not as natural and not as reciprocal. She kind of just sat there and let us work on her. Then, she suddenly said she was done and left the room abruptly.
Jack: I would suggest to not be blackout-drunk and don’t use any drugs unless everyone involved is personally familiar with them.
This is my no-no square
Jack: In all of our threesomes, the only person I have ever penetrated is Diane.
Diane: And we talked about that a lot. Sometimes I would think that I could be into it, but then I feel like it crosses a line that is too intimate. As interested as I am in having a male partner, I don’t know that I want anyone else inside me but him. Everyone has a line and if you have a gut feeling then you need to discuss them.
Jack: Communication is very important.
Diane: Sex should be about caring for someone else as a person.
I wasn’t porn yesterday
Jack: I knew what I wanted to have happen.
Diane: Titty-fucking.
Jack: Oh my god, yes. My partner has smaller breasts so doing that is uncomfortable for both of us, but a third partner could make that happen. And if the girl being titty-fucked is getting eaten out at the same time, then it makes a normally one-sided action oddly reciprocal.
Diane: I really kind of like eating girls out, so it does feel like a team effort to get everyone off. So even if somebody is receiving a lot at one point, there’s a good chance they’ll be giving later, and it all works out. Porn helped with configurations and positions, but some things that looked so easy in porn could not be executed. You have to be flexible — not, like, physically, but with your plans.
Jack: Things will not work out the way you think they will. And, if you are a man and not watching yourself you will prematurely ejaculate.
Your place or mine
Jack: I don’t think it is weird to do it in our own bed.
Diane: Nah, just wash your sheets and it will be fine. I would rather it be some place that we are more comfortable in. When we did it, the bedroom was already a place where people would hang out with us, so it was already a social area.
It’s a win-win-win situation
Diane: Everyone did orgasm with the partner we had positive experiences with, and it was pretty intense for me. Having different stimulation at different points at the same time with two sets of hands and two mouths was crazy. I asked her about it later and she said that it was very intense for her as well.
Jack: We would definitely do it again if we found the right person.
