In sixth grade, everyone who was anyone went to cotillion class to learn the art of being a proper lady or gentleman. Looking back at it now, the course was really just for the kids whose parents had been conned into thinking it was important for their children to waltz and use multiple forks in a single meal. Also, I wish we had a choice between the roles of gentleman or lady because there are pros and cons to both. Ladies got to sit down while the gentlemen brought them cookies, but, then again, ladies never got to choose who they danced with. Gentlemen had the privilege of leading while dancing while the girls could wear seemingly whatever they wanted from the Juniors section at Dillard’s.
Yes, cotillion class taught me many valuable things about how to present one’s self in public, but it did not prepare me for the one place in the world you really need to have some manners: the bedroom.
Now, I am fully aware that sexual encounters that leave your partner asking if you were born in a barn can be completely satisfying and altogether desirable. And if you do like to roll in the hay as if you are a creature that actually does so, then by all means, baby, go for it! But for the rest of you who fumble your way around clits and cocks, here are my top tips for tip-top oral sex. Just like those gender roles enforced at my cotillion class, these suggestions are best taken as a starting point. As I have found, it is so much more fun to both make and break the rules.
Dental? Damn!
Teeth: We all have them. But why? Sure, you can masticate your food, chew gum, and sell toothpaste with them, but when your chompers meet some rompers, use caution.
Biting is a classic turn-on. I think some nibbles on the inner thighs and ridges of pelvic bones are a fun way to slowly inch yourself near that final destination. However, the meaty bits themselves are chock full of nerve endings and tend to appreciate the smooth touch of a tongue over the toothy clamp of molars.
Hair me out
As a human with a conscience, you know by now that it is ludicrous of you to assume that you can tell other humans how you would prefer they handle their own pubic hair. If you are just now finding this out, let me fill you in on why: because I said so. One of the most fun things about sex is that if two people want it, they just fucking do it. No one stops in the middle of sex to present their partner with an at-home waxing kit. No one stashes a pair of clippers in their nightstand just in case you need a quick shave. If either of those things happen to you then, please, take that as your exit cue, darling.
Play ball!
If you are putting your mouth on genitals that come with everyone’s favorite accouterment — gonads — please give those dudes some attention. I get that they are not so great to look at, but think for a second about a man getting kicked in the balls. That instance is the most emotion you ever see out of him, right? Okay, now imagine what he was feeling was pleasure instead of pain. That, ladies and homosexual gentlemen, is how you get a man.
Taint too proud to beg
There are also things we don’t talk about but should, because they have feelings, too. That little stretch between your butthole and the rest of you parts, whether they are testicles or the labia minora, is not something to be ignored. Allowing someone to do some exploring down there is downright terrifying at first. Still, whether you are the giver or the receiver, I encourage you to give it a whirl. Seriously — an actual whirl.
Kiss and make up
Oral sex is often far more intimate and vulnerable than any other kind of sex. You are simultaneously near and far from your partner. In my research — which was conducted mostly by me texting my friends — there was some debate as to whether one should clean up before kissing or not. Part of me wants to tell everyone to just chill because the fluids will be flying anyway. The other part of me, however, believes it’s okay if you are completely weirded out about sampling your own sauce. Just keep it real, you know? You do you when others are doing you. That makes sense, right?
Ask and ye shall receive
Though I’m sure technology is just days away from figuring it out, we mere humans still cannot read one another’s minds. Thus, if you want something, you have to ask for it. Both girls and guys alike can be terrible at simply asking their partner to go down on them. Believe it or not, that is all you have to say. Like this: “Go down on me?“ Other techniques include shoving one’s head towards the pubic region or positioning your body so that you both wake up ready to 69. Trust me, these are less effective than just simply asking for it.
Speaking of 69, it is revelatory if you can let go and let God allow it to happen. Try it, as well as my other suggestions, tonight with a consensual, emotionally supportive partner.
