OK, Cupid, you did a decent job of matching two people in what is starting to feel a lot like love. But you made a grave error: These kids live in different places.
As far as I am concerned, saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is akin to saying “ignorance is bliss.” I have always sided with Jeff Tweedy when he sang, “Oh, distance has no way of making love understandable.”
But stop listening to what everyone else has said and start listening to me. If you found yourself between the rock that is a person you have feelings for and the hard place that is the couple hundred miles, states or oceans that separate you, there are a few things you should consider.
I wish I could give you some sort of quiz that would let you know if you and this person should enter into the world of Skype sex and saying “I miss you” more than “I love you,” but it just isn’t that easy. By the way, the title of that quiz would be “How Well Can You Angle Your Laptop Camera for Optimum Visual Pleasure?”
A brief explanation of time and space
One of the most important things to remember in any relationship is to give each other space. Even if you are thinking about her all of the time and both of you take forever to say goodbye on the phone, you still need to take the time to do you. The opportunities to have personal space in a long-distance relationship are endless. Work late and see who cares; go out with your friends nearly every weekend; save money by eating bags of popcorn and ice cream sandwiches for dinner. Space lets you think about things with your body. Woof, even I am struggling with that last sentence, too. But, really, paying attention to your own physical space has so much power. Also, you can poop with such freedom.
Long distance relationships give you a lot of space most of the time, but then that one weekend a month when you actually get to see each other in person rolls around and suddenly you have a shadow. It’s like you’ve just been taking liberally prescribed Adderall every morning and then one day you wake up and decide to snort meth for the weekend. The high, I am sure, is fantastic. But the comedown … oy vey.
Those few and far between weekends or weeks that the two of you get together are incredibly difficult to feel organic. Try to have a little bit of time to yourself when you’re together — 30 minutes, even to just come up for air and assess the situation.
Communication
Obviously, long-distance dating is made all the easier by the invention of the U.S. Postal Service in 1775. Thanks, B. Frank! Although I have found that the cellular phone works just as well, if not better, as a communication device. If you are not seeing the person you are in a relationship with every day or every other day then you need to be adept at communicating via text and phone calls. If you cannot hold a conversation through texts and hate talking on the phone then end this thing now. These before-bed phone calls and “woke up like this” selfies are the lifeblood of long-distance dating. They remind you that you are not nearly as alone as you feel, that someone out there is thinking about you and shit, possibly even thinking about you naked, which brings me to …
Wanna cyber?
This adorable phrase — which I’m pretty sure was banned in 2005 — plays a significant role in the relationship. You’re both humans who want to touch parts together at various speeds and angles and that patch of highway between you two is basically the vice principal at your middle school dance pulling you apart while Blue’s “Too Close” plays. Try, but you can’t fight it: Doing sexy stuff with your phone and computer is gonna have to happen eventually. If you are a natural at this, skip ahead. If not, pay close attention. Sex on a phone, using whatever medium — Snapchat, text, FaceTime, old fashioned voice call — is somehow freeing and terrifying all at the same time. You’re going to have to get real comfortable with
taking pics of your swimsuit areas and saying dirty, explicit things and then waiting for a response. I promise to speak more on this at a later date, but for now, just settle into your new lifestyle.
This person exists, I swear
One of the funnest parts of a relationship is parading around town with your new boo on your arm, throwing bucketfuls of shade at all of your exes. The significant other that mysteriously lives far away is, yes, a plotline in every Disney Channel show, but also a huge inconvenience at social gatherings. Where is your boyfriend? Why does he never seem to be here? Who are you pretending to talk to on the phone all of the time?
Have a plan to make a plan
When I first started writing this, I knew this would be my main point. What’s the purpose of buying all of that gas, sending all of those texts, leaving the room for all of those phone calls if there isn’t some end point? I wanted to tell all of you that you have to have a plan, that there is no reason to torture yourself with this type of relationship if you don’t see it going anywhere. But here’s the thing: Plans suck. Plans ask you to predict the future and then hold each day hostage until that future comes to fruition. But here’s my compromise: Make a plan if you have to. Decide you’ll both move to Santa Fe in six months, or finally graduate from school, or overcome your fear of any landscape except plains. Or, conversely, make a plan to not make a plan. Let the thing grow and breathe and watch TV when it’s done with its homework. See what happens when you just try to be with each other without actually being with each other.
Public Restrooms
Find one that is the at the midpoint between your two locations. Use this for 1) relieving yourself if you are like me and cannot poop around people you have feelings for and 2) recreating Jim and Pam’s engagement.
