If I ran the Oscars, well, the statuettes would be called the Philsters, first of all. Patton Oswalt would be permanent host and John Travolta would announce the nominees for Best Foreign-Language film. There would be no splashy musical numbers, Howard Stern mascot Benjy Bronk would replace Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, and a fire-hot vaudeville hook would be utilized to yank speechifying winners off stage.
Oh, and these would be my nominees and winners for the year.
Best Supporting Actor
And the nominees are …
James Gandolfini, The Drop
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
The only nominee not actually up for an Oscar is my posthumous nod for the late, great Tony Soprano Gandolfini (The Academy Awards felt more inclined to give that slot to reliable Robert Duvall for The Judge). Simmons is my prediction to win for his blood-vessel-bursting performance in Whiplash — and he is the scariest skinny bald guy you’ll see outside of the Aryan Brotherhood — but my pick is Mark Ruffalo for a more understated touch as the late Dave Schultz, a real-life wrestler who competed for both OSU and OU.
Best Supporting Actress
The nominees are …
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler
Emma Stone, Birdman
Tilda Swinton, Snowpiercer
Naomi Watts, Birdman
I think I’ll be in synch with Academy voters on this one, since my nod goes to odds-on favorite Patricia Arquette as the mom in Richard Linklater’s Boyhood (Stone being my only other real-life nominee in this category). Arquette delivers an alternately poignant and funny performance that spanned a dozen years. David Schwimmer couldn’t even do that in 10 years on Friends.
Best Actor
And the nominees are …
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Michael Keaton, Birdman
David Oyelowo, Selma
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Timothy Spall, Mr. Turner
I can’t fault Academy members much in this category. There were some incredible performances by leading dudes in 2014, and three of my five nominees — Cumberbatch, Keaton and Redmayne — are in contention for the reality-based Oscars airing Sunday night. I think Keaton will probably win, but my pick, David Oyelowo, didn’t even score a nomination. That’s sorta bewildering, considering his brilliant performance as Martin Luther King Jr. (Side note: Why do British actors such as Oyelowo fare so much better doing American accents than Yankee thesps do pretending to be Brits?)
Best Actress
The nominees are …
Marion Cotillard, Two Days, One Night
Essie Davis, The Babadook
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Emmanuelle Seigner, Venus in Fur
Again, three of my nominees (Cotillard, Moore, and Pike) are up for the real-life Oscars, and the odds-on favorite appears to be Moore for her portrayal of a college professor struggling with Alzheimer’s. The actress is heart-wrenching in it, alright, but I’d give the statuette to Marion Cotillard for Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardennes’ French-language flick about a factory worker fighting to keep her job. It’s as un-showy a role as they come, which is all the more reason Cotillard deserves props for her naturalistic performance.
Best Adapted Screenplay
The nominees are …
Paul Thomas Anderson, Inherent Vice
Andrew Bovell, A Most Wanted Man
Nick Hornby, Wild
Phil Lord & Christopher Miller, The Lego Movie
Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl
Not only did Academy voters shun The Lego Movie here, the year’s most surprising joy got the shaft in every single category with the strange exception of Best Song. Are Hollywood’s limousine liberals and old-school elites that deathly afraid of tiny yellow minifigures? Everything is not awesome, Oscar. For those of you keeping score at home, Paul Thomas Anderson is my only nominee who is also in the for-real category. The award itself is probably wide open, although I’m guessing Graham Moore will pull it out for the Oscar-baity The Imitation Game.
Best Original Screenplay
And the nominees are …
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
J.C. Chandor, A Most Violent Year
Steven Knight, Locke
Christopher McQuarrie & Jez Butterworth, Edge of Tomorrow
Paul Webb, Selma
Great scripts all (even though my only nominee to match real life is probable winner Wes Anderson), but Steven Knight’s Locke deserves the Philster for wringing masterful melodrama from the premise of a guy talking on his cell phone while driving at night. Just imagine what this scribe could do with someone tweeting while on the toilet.
Best Director
And the nominees are …
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Ava DuVernay, Selma
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Ruben Östlund, Force Majeure
I share the Academy’s fondness for Anderson, Iñárritu and Linklater in this category, and I suspect the envelope Sunday will read my pick, too: Richard Linklater. Boyhood is far from perfect, but its shagginess is part of what accounts for its alchemy. Life and time are rather abstract concepts for the multiplex, but they are irresistible fodder for one of the most interesting and versatile filmmakers working today.
Best Picture
And the nominees are …
Birdman
Boyhood
Force Majeure
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Lego Movie
A Most Violent Year
Mr. Turner
Selma
Two Days, One Night
The Oscars only saw fit to nominate eight flicks this year, but I’d go with the 10-picture buffet line myself (four of my nominees are also on the Academy Awards ballot). I wouldn’t mind if either Birdman or The Grand Budapest Hotel took home the honors, but I’m guessing both the Philster and Oscar are copacetic with Boyhood. The fawning from critics has recently fueled a certain amount of backlash, and the film certainly has its rough patches. Still, even after three viewings I found Boyhood imbued by spellbinding generosity of spirit.
