Our favorites
Jonathan’s profile is chock full of badass facts. I’m curious if being an “automotive spokesman” is any different than “man who sells cars,” but I’m going to guess that it’s actually something cooler. Jonathan is from Motor City, U.S.A. so chances are good he’s got some slick job talking about cars. Careerwise, I think Jonathan sounds very stable at the smooth age of 33, something our Bachelorettes should find appealing.
Most contestants either have their favorite movies or favorite artists listed. Usually, it’s movies because these type of dudes often have awful taste in music. Not our boy Jonathan; his top three are recent Grammy winner and “Latch” singer Sam Smith, the immortal Snoop Dogg, and even ILoveMakonnen makes the list. I approve of all three of these music choices, which means I approve of Jonathan.
As if that wasn’t enough, Jonathan has, hands down, the best answer to the tattoos question: “Yes.” Yes?! So how many is it Jonathan? What a mysterious badass. You have my support. – Beau Blackstock
Chris is a dentist, and a pretty damn good one judging by his perfect teeth (do dentists work on themselves?). When asked if he prefers hot-spot clubs or regular bars, his response was “hot spots are designed for attractive young women and unattractive old men.“ Chris has opinions and is willing to fight any older man who dares to step foot in a club to defend those opinions. One of his favorite movies is The Social Network, which is a perfect film, and when he was asked about his biggest date-fear his answer was, “the girl tries to eat my food.” Like, of all the things that could possibly go wrong on a date, his biggest fear is that the girl will swipe something off his plate, undoubtedly because it would put her teeth in jeopardy. There’s something heroic about that. – Ryan Drake
Jared isn’t the easiest on the eyes, but based on his profile alone, he seems like a legitimately great guy. He lists spending six years volunteering at a camp for children with cancer as his greatest achievement, which is easily the best answer to all the men’s profiles. Just reread that sentence. He said he “volunteers” for “children” with “cancer.” If that isn’t a hat trick to any girl’s heart, then I don’t know what is. Maybe if the children were dolphins it would be even more aww-worthy, but girls like children, too. At least I hope.
There’s no music listed for Jared, but his movie selections are pretty good. The Social Network is fine; Crazy, Stupid, Love is a good choice if his plan was to actually make it on the show; and then I love how he lists Superman (1978) because Jared clearly doesn’t fuck with the new Supermans. He’s a man who appreciates the classics.
To top it all off, he chose Barack Obama as the person he would like to be for just one day. So he’s not a racist, which is always great news. – BB
For occupation, Ian listed “executive recruiter.” This guy platonically seduces people for a living, so there’s no reason to think his experience won’t translate well to our bachelorettes. He also happens to be the most handsome man of the whole group, and he stands tall at 6 six feet 4 inches tall. He listed Richard Branson as the person he most admires, which is the correct answer considering he can literally go to and from space anytime he wants. His executive recruiter instincts kicked in when he listed Jimmy Kimmel as the person he would most like to have lunch with, kissing the ass of ABC brass because there’s no way that’s actually true. You already know this is setting for Kimmel to make a return visit to #BachelorNation and ABC is going to want to keep Ian around for that.
The most incredible/puzzling part of Ian’s bio is when he lets the world know that the most romantic present he’s ever given someone was when he hand-made a clock “with a picture in the background.” I still have no idea what this means, but the topic spilled over into a group text where Gray Thomas and Lesley [Last Name Redacted] were able to chime in. Take this to mean whatever you want, but I think it seems vaguely positive for Ian. – RD
As a man also named Brady, I instantly had to side with the Nashville singer-songwriter. Even if his profile was horrible, I’d still be rooting for a fellow Brady.
Since he’s a singer/songwriter looking to get publicity by being on The Bachelorette (be honest, Brady), let’s start with his favorite musical artists. He lists two artists I haven’t heard of: The Lone Bellow and David Ramirez. I looked them up and they seem to be newer alt-country/folk type singers, which would make sense for a singer-songwriter from Nashville to be into. So props for throwing out a couple of up-and-coming acts, especially considering his third pick is Coldplay. Normally that would be a red flag since I’d figure Coldplay has been selected by many gentlemen on this show — it’s just a safe bet — but Brady seems to really mean it. When asked whom he admires the most, Chris Martin was listed before his mom and dad. I think Brady really likes Coldplay, you guys.
For all I know, Brady could end up being a total douche and a disgrace to people like me who also have the name Brady. His biggest date fear is explosive diarrhea (Ugh. Really?) and his greatest achievement to date is basically that he’s a struggling musician who won’t give up. Yet the most outrageous thing he’s ever done is hit a grand slam in a college championship game. Uhhh, I think you got the two switched. It sounds like his greatest achievement is a grand slam and the most outrageous thing he’s done is apparently give up his baseball career to be an aspiring musician. Brady has a confounding profile, but it’s all the right factors to make him a sleeper hit on the show. – BB
Read on for Beau and Ryan’s least favorite Bachelorette contestants.
