Our least favorites
Things that are wrong with Cory:
1. He is 35 years old. I think he is tied for the oldest person to ever be on this show.
2. Look into his eyes. He is a psychopath.
3. He lists Along Came Polly as one of his favorite films. It’s wild to think that Along Came Polly could be anybody’s favorite film, much less a 35-year-old. I mean, I like it. But favorite? You would think that with 35 years on this earth he would have found time to watch better movies.
4. His biggest date fear is “finding out my date is really a dude.” Either this is a bad joke or Cory is dumb enough to have been burned by this before. Both are red flags, but one is much redder and much flagger than the other.
5. “I hate it when my date talks about how cool they are or name-drops.” This is the 35-year-old version of “get off my lawn.”
6. When asked who he would be if he got to be someone else for a day, he said, “my younger self.” You hate it when your date talks about “how cool they are” but then have the balls to drop this on us? Get the fuck out of here, Cory. No one wishes you were younger more than me. – RD
Fuck this guy. Aside from being two letters off from being a Brady with a last name initial, his face is easily the most punchable of all the gentlemen. Aside from that face (“punch me!” screamed Bradley) his biggest date fear is a big red flag. “Someone who can’t handle or understand my sarcasm.” Based on that face and that line, I’m going to predict Bradley is overly sarcastic to the point of terrible. I fully expect him to cause inner contestant turmoil. I mean somebody is going to want to punch that face, for real.
Before you think I’m reading too far into Bradley’s profile, this next gem is a definite red flag: Bradley chose Tom Brady as the person he would want to be for one day. Not only to experience “primetime football” but because he would “then go home to Gisele.” I know what you’re thinking: “Did he just admit to wanting to fuck another man’s wife on a reality show about marrying someone that is not Gisele?” Yes. Yes, he did. He also thinks women should pursue him because look at what you’re missing, ladies.
Fuck this guy. – BB
People we kind of like who have no chance of winning
I know. He has a last name initial. That’s why he’s my dark horse — because, by my Bachelor/Bachelorette logic, he stands no chance in hell of winning. But as far as his immediate Shawn vs. Shawn game, Shawn B is a clear winner. Not only because Shawn E is an “amateur sex coach,” but he seems like a decent enough guy. Plus, he has that unshaven look that girls just love, so I’m sure that’s enough as it is.
His profile is basic enough. He likes country music and, obviously, One Direction. I like that he wants to be The Hulk (I take it this profile was written before he saw Age of Ultron) just to make his nephew happy. Good brownie points there. Maybe it’s weird he wants to be his dog for a day while other contestants want to be the president or fuck models. (Fuck you, Bradley.) But being a dog would actually be pretty fun.
Because his Shawn competition is so easy, he may fast become Just Shawn after the first episode. I could see him going far, but that last name initial tells me it’s already hopeless. – BB
My man is a professional healer. I have no idea what that means, but I hope he stays around long enough for us to find out. He also says that he would like to be Iron Man for a lot of reasons, but two of them are because he is arrogant and “hella rich.” Tony is the 35-year-old we want, but Cory is the 35-year-old we deserve. – RD
There are 16 other less interesting dudes who fell in the cracks between the categories we outlined here, and if you’re going to win your 2015 Bachelorette Fantasy League, you’re going to need to put in the work. But it can totally be worth it and I hope that we were able to help get you started on your path towards righteousness and riches. Do it for all the right reasons.
