Matt & Kim – “Hoodie On”
This one stings because I really love Matt & Kim. Despite making dozens of dumb songs that sound exactly the same, they have consistently been one of the most enjoyable bands to see and hear over the last few years. Unfortunately for us, they’re becoming too self-aware of how dumb their popular songs really are and are apparently trying to out-dumb themselves. This song is cringeworthy, like a train wreck that makes me kind of want to dance but also kind of want to punch anyone I see.
If you can get over the complete awkwardness of the song concept, the actual lyrics will probably piss you off, because they’re essentially one long humblebrag:
“Bought my new house with a hoodie on / Been around the world 10 times with a hoodie on.”
We get it, Matt & Kim; you’re so casual. I ripped the ears off my head with a hoodie on.
Soulja Boy – “Hurricane”
DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS DIAMONDS WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP CLICK CLACK BOOM BOOM BOOM.
This is the opening track on his record. Like, this is really the thing he wants people to hear first.
Eden XO – “The Weekend”
I saved the worst for last. I am so sorry ahead of time.
I am a person who openly admits to liking mainstream pop music, and even I have no idea who Eden XO is. But I’m assuming from her voice that she is 12 years old and loves smoking cigarettes. This song is all the worst parts of Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” with nothing but an outdated Friends reference in return. I’m depressed now.
Musically, this song sounds like a bunch of different iPhone ringtones mashed up together and vomited all over. And lyrically, it’s so much worse:
Oh my God it’s the weekend,
Hands up for the weekend!
Oh my God it’s the weekend,
Hands up for the weekend!
I may be projecting here, but I wish I could be as excited about anything as Eden XO is about a thing that is going to happen 52 times a year and literally once a week.
Getting dumb in the morning
Dumb in the evening
Dumb like a cherry flav
What is a cherry flav and why is it dumb? Is it related to Flavor Flav?
Hey it’s the weekend
Every day a weekend
Everybody listen up, listen up
‘Cause here comes the ice cream truck
We can let go, sipping Rosé
On that poolside, Mandeley bay
Wanna be friends, Phoebe Buffay
Can’t get enough of my hotty Molly
Someone who is simultaneously old enough to drink Rosé in Vegas and make references to a 20-year-old television show shouldn’t be singing about ice cream trucks and wow I almost skipped over the part where she is casually on Molly and did you know that weekends are fun?
Shoop shoop
Shoo be doop doop
Doo doop doop
Shoo be doop doop
*explodes*
Well, at least we know we’ve hit rock bottom. There’s no way it can get worse than this, right?
…
OH MY GOD THERE’S A LIL JON REMIX.
Everything Kendrick Lamar worked so hard for, erased with one click of the mouse.
